


I'm Sorry Won't Ever Be Enough

by LucilovesSamwholovesGabriel



Series: Broken Hearts [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Baker Gabriel, Doctor Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Hurt, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, Soldier Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:30:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3909598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucilovesSamwholovesGabriel/pseuds/LucilovesSamwholovesGabriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spin off of my Save Me If It's Worth Savin' Me fic. This is from Sam and Gabriel's point of view and their story. Sam thought stopping the calls and emails would end things with the least amount of pain. He was wrong. With Gabriel around again Sam starts questioning his relationship with Jess, and if it's really what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Have I Done?

Sam leaned against the wall patiently waiting for Castiel and Dean to be done talking. Sam huffed out a breath, and looked around the hallway busy with nurses and doctors fluttering around. Sam’s eyes rested on a smaller man with golden hair and the fury of heaven in his eyes. Sam’s stomach dropped in surprise.

 

“Gabriel?” Sam gasped, taking in the man he hadn’t seen in years.

 

Gabriel’s whiskey eyes locked onto Sam and if possible, they got even angrier. “Where the fuck is my brother?” Gabriel hissed, stalking up to Sam.

 

Sam frowned in confusion, not really sure why Gabriel was angry. Even after all this time Sam could read the older man like a book. His posture was stiff, it’s how he reacts when he’s afraid, his eyes always hold the most prominent emotion he’s feeling, the anger, and the frown of his lips showed that he was sad about something. Sam wanted to know what it was.

 

“He’s in the room with Dean. Gabriel are you okay?” Sam reached out to touch Gabriel’s shoulder.

 

Gabriel stared at him incredulously and slapped Sam’s hand away. “Move out of my way Sam.”

 

Sam’s hand stung slightly along with his feelings. “I don’t think that’s such a great idea Gabriel. We should talk about this before you-”

 

“Fuck you Sam Winchester! Now get out of my fucking way!” Gabriel roared, pushing past Sam and into the room.

 

Sam stared after him in surprise and hurt. Sam trudged into the doorway, watching the scene open up in front of him.

 

“You.” Gabriel hissed out, stalking towards Dean and Castiel, his shoulders set in a hard tense line.

 

Sam watched determination set into Castiel’s eyes as he stalked forward, stepping in the way between Gabriel and Dean. “Gabriel, calm down.”

 

Sam listened to Gabriel’s harsh breaths as he glared up at Castiel. “He fucking made you a living zombie, and you want me to ‘calm down’? Fuck you Castiel; he deserves to get his ass kicked.”

 

Sam tensed in anger; Castiel wasn’t the only one who was acting like a zombie when they had broken up. Sam took a step forward, noticing the warning look from his brother before he relaxed, just watching once more.

 

Sam froze as Castiel snorted and rolled his eyes at Gabriel, seeming more like the man he once knew then the entire time they had been in contact. “And who is going to kick his ass, you? Please. You’re 5’8 and he’s 6’2 with more muscle weight on you then you can ever hope of getting. Calm your ass down, and stop causing a scene you drama queen!”

 

Sam held back a chuckled as Gabriel’s shoulders rolled back in surprise. “Excuse me?”

 

Sam held back another misplaced giggle as Castiel narrowed his eyes at the older boy. “You heard me.”

 

Sam relaxed a little a Gabriel’s shoulders dropped as he huffed, crossing his arms. “Fine.”

 

Sam suddenly noticed the deathly quiet around them, and felt extremely awkward because he knew there were eyes from outside the room on them.

 

Sam met Castiel’s eyes who looked quite a bit more relaxed than before. “Sam, would you close the door please so our onlookers will kindly disperse?”

 

Sam finally glanced back at the crowd surrounding the door. Sam shook his head, rolling his eyes before shutting the door.

 

Sam smiled at the sigh of relief from Castiel. “Thank you, Sam.”

 

Sam narrowed his eyes at Gabriel’s tapping foot as he blurted out. “So, Castiel, please tell me you’re doing the sensible thing and telling this asshat to get out of your life.” Gabriel muttered, his shoulders becoming tense once more.

 

Sam wanted to groan as Castiel tensed back up, his blue eyes become as cold as ice. “What I choose to do is none of your concern Gabriel.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes when Gabriel’s chest puffed up. “The hell it’s not because you are going to make the wrong one! You’re going to let this asshole back into your life, and when you do, all he’s going to do is make it worse and leave you again!”

 

Sam froze in anger, and his brother’s face filled with outrage. “That’s not fucking true Gabriel; I would never leave him again, not intentionally.” Dean shouted.

 

Sam started forward, the sneer in Gabriel’s voice setting him off. “Please, as if leaving him really actually hurt you the first time around.” Sam wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s waist and picked him up effortlessly. Sam threw the smaller man over his shoulder, fully intending to bitch him out after removing him from the situation.

 

“Sam, put me the fuck down!” Gabriel growled out.

 

Sam rolled his eyes in anger. “You and I are going to have a little chat in the stairwell, and when we come back you are going to be a hell of a lot nicer.”

 

Sam stalked out of the room with the screaming man on his shoulder making a beeline for the stairwell.

 

~~~

 

Gabriel squirmed till Sam dropped him on his feet, throwing up then up against the wall. Gabriel growled out when his head slammed up against the wall, his eyes locking with Sam’s.

 

“You don’t know shit about how Dean was when they split up, so how dare you accuse him of not being hurt. He was a fucking mess, just as big of a mess as Castiel was.” Sam hissed, his face inches from Gabriel’s causing the older man to flinch away.

 

Gabriel met Sam’s eyes burning with anger, and Gabriel returned it with a scowl. “If he really way such a fucking mess, why didn’t he try to fix their damn relationship!”

 

Gabriel could tell Sam was grinding his teeth as he stared down at him. Gabriel tried to ignore the hands twisted into his shirt, and how Sam was fully press against him. “They shipped him off to boot camp right away, and the next thing he knew he was fucking deployed. When they gave him leave for awhile it was generally because he was recovering from bullet wounds!” Sam shouted.

 

Gabriel frowned at that, wondering how many times Dean had been shot in war, but he was still angry. “He still could have tried to find him, he still could have fucking tried.”

 

Gabriel listened to Sam groan, taking the hit of being slammed up against the wall again, his head feeling dizzy. Gabriel watched blurrily as Sam ran his hands through his hair in annoyance. “He did. He got in touch with Michael, who refused to tell him anything. He went back to our home town, trying to see if he left any traces behind. Fucking googled him. Castiel doesn’t even have a Facebook to find. He’s not a well known doctor, there’s nothing on him, no articles about clubs he was in college, nothing.”

 

Sam’s shoulders slumped in exhaustion, his glare penetrating down to Gabriel’s soul. “So when Dean was given an honorable discharge and a purple heart, he hit the road, hopping he would come across Castiel in his travels.”

 

Gabriel hated to admit it, but he couldn’t be angry with Dean all that much. Obviously he tried. “Okay fine, so he did try and find him.” Gabriel muttered, trying to straighten out his t-shirt.

 

“Oh thank God he get’s it.” Gabriel flinched at the sneer in his words, knowing that his face reflected his discomfort and hurt. Gabriel hasn’t forgotten, hasn’t forgotten how cruel Sam can be.

 

Gabriel gulped down the knot in his throat, idly wondering how Sam has been since the last time he saw him in California. “How have you been Sam?” Gabriel asked, his voice quiet even to him.

 

Gabriel’s heart clenched as Sam’s face softened, a wistful look crossing his face. “I’m well Gabriel. I graduated from law school, I met a beautiful girl, and she and I are living together now. I’m very happy. How about you?”

 

Gabriel felt like he had been stabbed. Sam didn’t need him. Sam had never needed him. He’s perfectly happy without him. Gabriel bit back the tears threatening to make an appearance. He shrugged, turning to the door to hide the fact that he was close to crying. “Like you care.”

 

Gabriel froze, Sam’s giant hand holding him in place. “Come on Gabe, don’t be like that.”

 

Gabriel glowered at the door before turning towards Sam, letting all the sadness of years alone to shine in his eyes. “I called you Sam. I called, I emailed, I left messages, but you never bothered to answer me. I was ready to move out there for you Sam. Shit, I bought a plane ticket out, and just watched you for an entire day. I watched you go to classes, go out with friends, laugh, smile, and act like you didn’t have a care in the world while I felt like my entire world had left me. Castiel and your brother weren’t the only ones hurting, but you couldn’t even be bothered to answer a phone call. I called you, and I watched you look at your phone, frown, and hang up. You’re a fucking dick Sam Winchester, and don’t even try and make excuses for yourself now.”

 

Gabriel ripped away from Sam, stumbling as he burst through the door, heading straight for Dean’s room. He didn’t even look back to see if Sam was following him.

 

~~~

 

Sam waited till both Castiel and Gabriel left the room before approaching his brother. “I fucked up Dean.”

 

Dean raised an eyebrow at him. “What did you do Sammy?”

 

Sam huffed, looking up at the ceiling. “I told you Gabriel and I just mutually ended things. That’s not true. I ignored his calls, emails, everything.”

 

Dean frowned. “Why did you do that?”

 

Sam sighed. “We weren’t getting along anyways because of the stress of yours and Castiel’s break up. I just thought he was thousands of miles away, I’ll just stop replying. He came out to California, and just watched me. He called me and watched me hang up. Dean, he’s still not over it, he’s still in love with me.”

 

Sam shook his head, placing it into his hands. “I’ve hurt him more then I probably even know.”

 

Dean sighed next to him. “You are an idiot. You knew you were it for Gabriel. He got up on his graduation stage to tell everyone that he was in love with you Sam.”

 

Sam nodded, looking into his brother’s disapproving eyes. “You think I’m an idiot don’t you?”

 

Dean huffed. “I think you are a dick, and that sorry won’t ever be enough for him.”

 

Sam frowned, his eyes pleading. “How do I fix this Dean? I love Jess.”

 

Dean sighed, looking towards the door where he could see Gabriel and Castiel talking. “Some things you can fix, other things you can’t Sammy. You’re engaged to Jess. You love her. You can’t fix anything with Gabriel while you’re with her. He’ll always view you as more than a friend.”

 

Castiel then walked through the door, glancing at both of them. His eyes settled on Sam. “Everything okay Sam?”

 

Sam nodded, his insides clenched in sadness. Castiel shrugged, knowing he wasn’t going to get a truthful answer. “I’m going to head home, you have my number if you need anything Dean.”

 

Sam gave a half smile as Dean’s face lit up. “I’ll call you Cas, I promise.”

 

Sam’s insides tugged as Castiel smiled back at his brother as he turned, saying something so quiet neither Dean nor Sam could hear.

 

When the door closed Dean glanced back to Sam, slapping his shoulder playfully. “Everything will turn out okay, bitch.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, maybe for you jerk.”


	2. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam flinched at that. He had loved Gabriel; he had loved him very much. When Sam had moved out to California, he just didn’t see how Gabriel fit into his life. Gabriel still didn’t know what he wanted to do with himself, but Sam had it all mapped out and so did all of his friends. Sam was a coward, and didn’t want to see how Gabriel would react. Instead he just ended the calls, and got over him by throwing himself into his new life, never looking back. Years later, Sam can see exactly how bad he’d screwed himself over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, and more of a look into the lives of Gabriel and Sam.

Sam couldn’t stop thinking about whiskey eyes, not even when he returned to his beautiful fiancé. She squealed when he came through the door, jumping and wrapping her body around his.

 

“Sam! I’m so glad you are home. How is Dean? Did he find Castiel?” She asked in the rapid fire way that she always has, but at the moment it was just annoying him.

 

Sam smiled down at her with slight strain. “Dean’s fine, and yes, he found Castiel.”

 

Jessica laughed. “That’s wonderful!” She soon lost her smile as she took him in, and Sam couldn’t blame her. “Sam, you look like hell. Are you okay?”

 

Sam stared into the blue eyes he loved so much, but the thought of hurt whiskey colored eyes flashed behind his eyes and he shook his head. “No Jess, I’m not okay. Do you remember me talking about someone named Gabriel that I dated back in high school?”

 

She nodded, leading him over to the couch so they could sit and talk. “Yes, I remember you mentioning from time to time. What’s anything got to do with him though?”

 

Sam sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair. “Gabriel is Castiel’s brother. Castiel had gotten hypothermia and they called Gabriel in. I uh - I hurt Gabriel pretty bad, and now that I know just how bad, I can’t get him out of my head.”

 

Jessica frowned in confusion. “So, you see your old boyfriend, realized how bad you hurt him, and what?”

 

Sam sighed rubbing his face. “I don’t know Jess, but I can’t stop thinking about him.”

 

Jess gave him a small smile, nudging him. “You sound as if you're in love with him.”

 

Sam looked at her pleadingly, because he knew a little part of him still did. Her smile fell. “You are - oh God you are in love with him.”

 

She stood up and away from Sam, shaking her head. “Sam you don’t even know him any more.”

 

Sam shrugged his big shoulders, staring at her feet. “You never stop loving someone, you know that.”

 

She scoffed. “As I recall you just stopped talking to him, didn’t even give him a break up speech. Can you even really say you love him?”

 

Sam flinched at that. He had loved Gabriel; he had loved him very much. When Sam had moved out to California, he just didn’t see how Gabriel fit into his life. Gabriel still didn’t know what he wanted to do with himself, but Sam had it all mapped out and so did all of his friends. Sam was a coward, and didn’t want to see how Gabriel would react. Instead he just ended the calls, and got over him by throwing himself into his new life, never looking back. Years later, Sam can see exactly how bad he’d screwed himself over.

 

“I loved him Jess, but I didn’t want to face him, so I didn’t.” Sam uttered in defeat.

 

Jess looked at him with her big blue eyes and shook her head. “How am I supposed to react to this Sam? Are you going to go running after your ex and just not talk to me? Not face me because you’re going to go after a guy you don’t even know anymore!”

 

Sam shot up grabbing ahold of her shoulders. “No, of course not! I just need to make amends with him, fix the heartbreak I caused.”

 

Jessica rolled her eyes pulling away from Sam. “The only way you are going to fix anything with him Samuel Winchester is by spending the rest of your life making it up to him, and you can’t ever accomplish that as a friend to him.”

 

Sam looked at her in defeat. “So I’m supposed to just let it go? Act like nothing happened and move on with my life?”

 

“Sam you have a life with me. We’re engaged. We’re supposed to get married next year, and you want to go follow your ex and try to make amends with him?”

 

Sam sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I fucked up, and I want to try and make up for it.”

 

She laughed no humor to it at all. “Sam you’ve always been an all in or not at all kind of guy. You either go and make amends with your ex who you don’t even know will forgive you, or you stay with me and let him go.”

 

Sam’s heart seemed to slow to a stop. She was making him choose, Gabriel or her. Sam wanted to scream because he just wanted to make things right with Gabriel, he didn’t want to get back with him, Sam just wanted to make things right. “I just want to make things right with him Jess; I’m not leaving you for him.”

 

Jessica leveled him with a stare. “Go. Take two months and try and ‘fix things’, if nothing changes, or you find yourself wanting him over me, call me. Don’t you dare think about ending things with me like you did Gabriel?”

 

~~~

 

“Thanks James. Get the papers to me as soon as possible so I can sign them. Thanks again.” Gabriel ended the call, taking another shot of the birthday cake vodka he had bought.

 

Gabriel glanced at the photo of him and Sam as teenagers, gazing at each other like two fools in love. Gabriel threw his shot glass at the picture, feeling worse as the sound of glass shattered.

 

Gabriel was six when Sam was born. He had been a year older than the oldest Winchester. Gabriel had watched with great amusement when Sam was growing up. Gabriel helped Sam through puberty and much to the displeasure of everyone’s parents, Gabriel asked Sam out when he had just turned fourteen, the rare time they were only four years apart. Not long after Gabriel professed his love about Sam on his graduation stage. You can imagine the uproar that had caused since Sam was only 14 at the time.

 

It got better when Sam got older; when he turned 18 nobody really gave them dirty looks anymore. Gabriel knew it was coming, the day Sam who declared he was leaving. Gabriel had taken them out to the near by lake for their 5th anniversary. The past three years had been kind of rocky with Gabriel being a jealous little shit, and the shit going on between their brothers. Today Gabriel was dead set on making it perfect.

 

They had just gotten done swimming; both sprawled out on the blanket Gabriel had brought with him. Sam looked delicious that day. His golden brown skin glistening with water, his long hair curling around his ears, his hazel eyes gazing back at Gabriel happily. That was, till he brought up the fact he was leaving.

 

“Come on Gabe you knew this was coming. I’ve been talking about going to Stanford for years.” Sam complained, giving Gabriel one of his famous puppy dog looks that make everyone cave.

 

Gabriel sighed shaking his head. Gabriel was 23 now, and he still didn’t know what he wanted to do with himself. He was thinking about culinary school, but he really wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted.

 

“Yeah I knew it was coming, just wished it wasn’t already here.” Gabriel muttered, his whiskey eyes gazing out over the shimmering water.

 

Sam gave him a lopsided grin. “It will be okay, Gabriel. You can move out there with me when you’re ready, and it will all work out.”

 

Gabriel gave him a hopeful look. “You think?”

 

Sam grinned and leaned over, kissing Gabriel gently. “I know.”

 

Flash forward over the summer, Dean came back. Sam wouldn’t come see him, told him that his brother needed him more. Gabriel didn’t know why, as far as he knew Dean was fine, great and dandy even though he never saw him around town.

 

Sam was supposed to leave in two weeks, and he refused to see Gabriel, kept saying his brother needed him. Gabriel was getting desperate when the last day Sam was in town came about. He was so excited when he opened his door to Sam, who didn’t look very happy, but he didn’t look too sad either.

 

Sam sat down quietly. “So, how is Dean-o?”

 

Sam shrugged. “Got hurt, he’s leaving tomorrow to go back. The bastards won’t give him more time.”

 

“What happened to him, has he tried to get in touch with Cas?”

 

Sam shrugged again. “I’m sorry I haven’t come and visited you much.” Gabriel noticed Sam was dodging the topic of his brother, but he let it go.

 

“It’s okay. You’re family needed you right?”

 

Sam nodded. “You think you’ll move out there, to California?”

 

Gabriel shrugged. “Figured I’d figure out what I want to do with myself first.”

 

Sam nodded curtly, standing. “I see. Well, I should be getting back.”

 

Gabriel rose, confusion on his face. “You just got here, Sam.”

 

Sam stared at the ground. “I have stuff I need to finish packing.”

 

The younger boy shot forward then, wrapping his arms around Gabriel tightly. Gabriel returned the hug just as tightly. “I love you, Gabriel.”

 

Gabriel felt so confused at how final that sounded. “I love you too, Sam.”

 

With that Sam pulled away, walking out the door. Gabriel should've known that was Sam’s final good bye to him, his break up. He just didn’t want to believe it. Sam was his world, and it was rudely taken away from him. Gabriel didn’t move on. Kali was good, for awhile, but she wanted to get married, have kids, the whole package. Gabriel still dreamt about hazel eyes at night, there was no way he could marry her.

 

Gabriel trudged over and picked up the glass, replacing the photo where it had been sitting broken glass and all. Gabriel thought it was fitting, that the glass was a broken as his heart was.

 

~~~

 

Sam picked up his phone, most the things he needed for the trip was packed into the car. Jessica had made herself scarce throughout the day, saying she was going to hang out with friends.

 

Sam hit the speed dial one on his phone and waited for Dean to answer. “Hello?” His brother whispered harshly into the phone.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Dean? Why are you whispering?”

 

Sam could hear Dean moving around opening and shutting doors. “Castiel was asleep; I didn’t want to wake him.”

 

Sam frowned. “You’re at Castiel’s place. Are you two already sleeping together?” He hissed disbelief filling him that he was moving that quickly with Castiel after all this time. Sam didn’t see how Castiel would allow that after how hurt he was back in the hospital.

 

Sam could hear the eye roll in Dean’s voice. “Of course not Sammy. We fell asleep while looking at his sparkling ceiling.”

 

Sam scoffed in disbelief. “Sparkling ceiling?”

 

“Cas always had a thing for stars. His ceiling literally is painted with sparkles to resemble the night sky when all the lights are off.” Sam felt a spike of jealousy at the deliriously happy tone of his brother’s voice. Sam pushed the feeling away angrily. Dean’s been hurting for long enough; it was his turn to be happy.

Sam forced a laugh that passed as genuine. “You’ll have to show me when I come up tomorrow. Does Cas still have a room for me?”

 

“Yeah he does. I’ll text you the address later.” Dean paused for a moment. “Is Jess alright with all of this?”

 

Sam sighed internally, his heart weighing heavily at the thought of his fiancé and the hurt in her eyes. “She said she’d give me two months to figure out things with Gabriel then I should giver her a call and tell her my decision.”

Sam waited for Dean to respond, hoping his brother had some kind of advice for him. “She’s a smart girl, I didn’t think she would miss the way you still feel for him.”

 

Sam sighed again, glancing at his front door. “I don’t want to leave her, Dean. I just want to fix things between him and me.”

Sam could imagine Dean shaking his head at him. “You can’t fix things with him Sam, not unless you give him a piece of yourself.”

 

Sam groaned in exasperation. “Dean, I don’t know what to do.”

 

“I don’t know how to help you man.” Dean’s voice sounded pained that he couldn’t help him.

 

Dean paused, listening to something before hurriedly saying. “I gotta go, Sam. I’ll text you.” Sam could hear a door opening.

 

Sam sighed heavily. “Yeah okay, Dean. I’ll see you soon.” Sam listened to the dead phone line tone for a moment longer before putting the phone down.

  
Sam placed his head into his hands and breathed out an exasperated breath. “What the hell am I going to do?” He asked himself as the tears finally escaped his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Loved it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments below! 
> 
> My tumblr is:http://lucilovessamwholovesgabriel.tumblr.com/ come visit and shoot me a message.


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